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Bro Kirk Luehrs
I was looking at my poor old worn out bible the other day, and figured that I was due for an upgrade, something more newer, more stylish, maybe one not so King Jamesyish, if you know what I mean… something with pizzazz, and bling.. A spanking new 2008 edition, with all the bells and whistles.. Yep.. that’s what I needed alright..
So I piled myself into my trusty ole faith mobile an headed down to the local Christian better book, bible, religious artifacts, PX, bumper sticker and wing ding store… to take a look around and maybe kick a book or too…The young clerk there was holier than me, and made no effort to conceal that fact.. it was obvious to the whole world that my faith was seriously outta date. After some inquisitional chit chat it became clear to the clarion of Christendom, that I was far beyond a mere faith bible band aid approach to my walk with the Master. What I needed was intense professional assistance , and I needed it now.. Or I might just end up forever in that place where the birds all sing off key.. He told me that the book store only handled cafeteria type Christians, serving up fresh theological theories, thoughts and guide lines for the better educated and more financially gifted patrons. What I needed, he said, was a total customization of my faith, something designed just for me..
I needed to PIMP MY FAITH..
Yea baby.. Get into something way outside my comfort zone.. Then he handed me the phone book and told me to look up pimp in the red pages.. Now until that day I didn’t know that the phone book had red pages, but sure enough this boys book had them… Pages and pages of names and numbers of off the hook, booze, broads, drugs, yoga, meditation, touchy feely stuff and sexual inventiveness and other foolish nonsense for falling away Christians and penny preachers. This all made me a little nervous, but I persevered until I finally found it… right after .. Faith pimps… came what I was looking for.. “pimp your faith”.. so ever so lightly I touched the tones and made the call and set the appointment with Mr. Charlie Goodteeth.. To pimp my faith..
The day of our meeting was one that I will never forget.. Mr. Charlie Goodteeth, greeted me with an overly warm and lingering Christian embrace complete with roving fingers and kiss to my cheek that was wet and way too close to my mouth.. His eyes took me in and displayed total distain, his tongue made soft irritating clucking sounds.., “so” he said finally, “how long have you had this faith?” .. I thought for a moment “ well I got it just before my bible about thirty seven years ago”, I figured that was close enough for this pimp fella.. “Well no wonder it is sooooooo old fashion, my dear, you have had your beliefs way too long.. They need to be changed with each passing fad, don’t you know, it keeps it fresh, and free.. And well what you really need, my brother, is an Extreme Make Over.. To bring you into the new age of biblical freedoms, soft sermons and limited responsibility .. So that you to can eat from the social cafeteria with out guilt or remorse.. And I , Mr. Charlie Goodteeth, your new best friend, can make this all happen for you.. It is really free for a love gift of all you can afford and then some for the next rest of your life.. And a one time love offering of three months pay applied to your visa or debit card now“.. And if I do it right away he would throw in books, CD’s, a piece of the cross, dirt from the holy lands, veronicas veil, and a personally autographed photo of faith cat boots, his under contract full gospel singer and house guest.
Well, that just sort of took my breath away.. And just what all do I get for all my love gifting and love offerings.. I asked.. Well sir, that question got Mr. Goodteeth sucking air through his nose followed by a big sigh … then he starts rattling things off like a tommy gun.. I get my super faith tarted up with magic bling.. I get a chrome plated bible that I would never have to read.. I would get a genuine “Jesus loves you” lapel pin.. Plus an imitation gold chain and cross to wear around my neck.. I get my choice of six super Jesus tats to be inked anywhere on my body that I want them… even in the private parts. I would get a life time supply of teeth whitener and fondue hair spray. He would put Jesus stickers, all over my car and mount a bible shaped grill on my automobiles hood complete with a gold cross ornament. Also included was a life size statue of bongo the Jesus boy for my living room alter and a life time supply of sermon sound bites so that I would never have to go to church or read my bible again.. And wouldn’t that be wonderful he gloated.. Not only that, all my radio, ipod, cell phones, TV’s and home entertainment systems would be tuned Christian music, sermons, programs, charities, and desperate gospel groups, singers, preachers and wantabee’s of their choosing. They will email me the bible buzz words of the day and the latest coffee klatch milquetoast philosophies on the hear after so that I can instantly impress my less than learned unchurched and totally lost friends or strangers in need of salvation.. And this is just the start.. For an automatic debit reduction from my checking account or visa card.. I will also be sent all the current “how to be a better thither, love gift donor and trick God into making you rich” books as they come on the market.. As well as all sorts of stuff made in china that will make me pray better and get me onto Gods rolodex.. I was over whelmed ..
So I tells good ole Mr. Charlie Goodteeth, that I needed some time to think about this and talk it over with Jesus, just to see what He thinks about this pimping stuff..
You shoulda seen the look that mans face.. “talk it over with who??? Jesus!” he gasped “What's He got to do with it? This is all about pimping faith .. Besides you can't talk to Him without giving me a love gift.. Or using my holy pokadotted ear muffs with anointed antenna’s for God’s better reception of your weak and miserable prayers..”
Now I steps back a bit.. “oh really,” says I, “ Me and my friend Jesus have been talking to each other for over thirty years now.. And the only “love gift” I ever saw, was the one He gave to me…”
Well this really freaked poor ole Mr. Goodteeth out, he started foaming at the mouth, tearing his hair, bouncing off the walls, and screaming profanely about how I was stuck in the past, that I could never get my faith pimped out or a make over because I was too old fashioned to be saved.. And he told me to get out, stay out, and go away forever..
So as I was leaving I told him that I was already saved, and I got it the old fashioned way..
Jesus paid for it .. It was His love gift to me.. No strings attached no books, no CD’s no nothing.. Now my faith don’t have much bling on it, this side of heaven, but I know that there is a whole lot of bling waiting for me on the other side.. So I guess I am not going to go Pimp My Faith.. Because come to think about it .. That old Bible is looking pretty darn good.. Its well worn pages remind me of all the conversations that we have had over the last few years.. What’s that?.. Yeah, my bible speaks to me.. All the time..
doesn’t yours? Or has it already been pimped?
Let me know..
God Bless You
© Copyright 2008 Kirk Luehrs